deeper.

The drooping, wistful, lush green willows hanging over me are a constant

through summer, winter, autumn, and spring

as I watch their crisp, golden green leaves falling

as they downwardly spiral to the ground hitting the concrete

The warm, spicy scent of baked goods, steamed tofu, and roasted vegetables coated in tomatoey, umami sauces surrounds me,

and I slightly raise my chin up to the deep blue sky and reflect on the ins and outs day 

what made me happy

and what brought me pain

and decide to take actions once more or never again

As I zoom across the pavement, 

the sound of human chatter and machinery clatter and the whoosh of passerby cars enter my ears, 

and I continue to march forward in bliss, 

free, untamed, energetic, and without fear

My outfits and accessories are like shiny, knightly, spiff, and heavy armor

They keep me safe from swords, daggers, arrows, and guns,

and I remove them when the day-out is done just as soldiers relinquish themselves of the restrictive burden when the battle is won

These pieces, however, subtract from one’s energy immensely 

For what I gain of charisma or power, I lose in the speed of molecules in brain and body substantially

When they are removed, I exhale a balmy sigh of relief and freedom

It is almost as if I am caged by my own kingdom

After escaping into the wilderness that outskirts, separated from duty, political intrigue, affluence, and ambition,

I find that self-care and self-development become the new main mission

 Now, you might ask, well why can’t one have fun on days out too?

Well, that is because you always have to mitigate and quell risk from other people attempting to take advantage of you

In a selfish, competitive world where it is every human being for themselves,

how would I feel soothing, sparkly, and life-giving bliss and peace when I’m inserted into a fiery, rotten, vicious hell?

There are always pockets of people, of course, that deviate from the standard

Even then, personally, unless they are family, there is always a chance that they could become a hazard

Thus, as friends, not just strangers, can be foes

I must always remain on my toes 

and put on my armor clothes

Stop, cower, and freeze—

that’s my motto for bees

You would think that, as a human, I should be able to battle mini-creatures and buggy daredevils with relative ease

Unfortunately, for me however, old fixed patterns of startling fears and quivering concerns within the presence of mighty behemoth organisms as large as your fingernail prevent bug life from being a breeze

My lived-in-India, in the residence of lizards, snakes, spiders, and flees family members will, of course, point at me and laugh and tease

Meanwhile, I’m silently motioning to the cretinous creature to get up and leave please

Thankfully I’ve found a handy dandy electrifier, 

so all of what I just mentioned is no longer a problem that I consider dire

Lavender and pale orange skies 

filled with thin, whispy white 

I want to snatch a piece of fluff and take a bite;

chomping down on a piece of it like a cracker,

yet its texture like cotton

Life can't get any wackier

Burnt orange flames crackle at my feet

as I walk on the cold, hard, rugged ivory concrete

The blanket above my head turns a violent violet

as the ice in the air sends daggers through my skin, turning it scarlet

Let me tell you a thought, a story, a dream 

I looked upon re:Duke reddit one day and was shocked to find

Information that blew my mind

When I read

quote they must’ve left my essay score blank because of the advent of chatgpt

I tried to comfort myself: Sera don’t allow such external stimuli to control what you do

But I realized, with the amount of controversy AI’s created this could totally be true

Apprehension and anxiety are sometimes healthy, necessary

They act as trigger cues for performing well, especially when things get hairy

Plus, I see you

Heaps of applications piled upon your desk

Exhausted, burn-out, yet still wanting what’s best for youth

It’s hard 

You begin to question due to news

Whether anything they say is real, is anything really true? 

I’m not here to be anti-AI or anti-AO

Part of the reason I sit in front of you 

is to beseech you AO, admission officer, you beautiful HUMAN BEING

To read OUR essays

We implore you let us be seen

Of course, I’m also in this moment trying to show you my mien

What’s that word MIEN you ask

Remember, I told you I read the dictionary

Every time I write, I’m somewhat scared that you’ll choose not to believe me

I’m worried my truths will be warped into lies

That my creativity, my voice, my poeticness I pride will be replaced with Oh she must’ve used AI

I desperately sing

Your hand I try to take 

But then I think what if they say even my vocals are deep faked

Even if I get rejected from this university

I hope you’ll remember me

I know how much you care

So, I ask you to please consider the written stories we share

I hope you don’t see this as a rant but rather an echo amongst my peers I felt was important to tell

And I hope you learned about me in this time capsule of self, as I bid you farewell

I’m Sera

I hope this message finds you well

Close yet distant

Arms, hands, legs brush against each other, faint yet pronounced

In my mind, sparks fly

It’s polluted by my old habit of using romantic fantasy to fill a void—

It won’t die no matter how hard I try

Close yet distant

Once upon a time, I truly felt the tug of a red string tying me to him

I think, now, it’s taut, on the verge of shattering into a million shards stabbing my chest painfully

I’m distraught

Should I try to mend, make amends, become, at least, friends—

What are we? Let’s set boundaries. I liked, I like, I’m overthinking—stop

Close yet distant

The mindsets, mental algorithms, habits I once had are starting to drift away, fall apart

I fear I’ve misused my time—choosing to fit inside the societal conventions instead of smashing boxes

I want to restart

I wish I could be as smart as the few

Despite having awareness of the various nuances leading to their acumen, I spiral further and further

Close yet distant

I decided to open my heart

That’s when I fell apart

I made friends with a leech in attempts to feel connected to him

I started deviating from the structure I’d worked tirelessly to carve into my life, acting on a whim

Now, I have no horses and men to put myself together again

Instead, I try to search within, trying to mend, to make amends

There are no more escapes

I am free

Breaking out of fixed patterns

Breaking stereotypes and convention, seeing them shatter

Breaking, many people say, is easy

Making is hard

I agree; I don’t agree

I’d have to master society’s truths before I can propagate my thinking

I hold onto romantic feelings, feeding them until they become an addiction

I let go of dreams because I think I’m not good enough with conviction

Like almost everything in life, there is contextuality

Letting go, holding on, breaking, making can create positivity, negativity, and neutrality

I know about situational relevance

I’m well acquainted with bias, habit, learning, decision-making, yet I treat them like appurtenances—

Secondary to a desire to blend in under the guise of networking and opportunities

Considering my goals, it has merit, but it does not align with my current priorities

Yet, my rankings are blurred 

What do I prefer? 

Will I waste my life away,

crumpling myself up into tight boxes

with sharp edges like cliffs that make hearts drop?

Blotting out my unconventionality for a few million claps and cheers—for no sniffs and sobs,

Erasing my ephemeral consciousness for the everlasting, ever-enticing spider-web

My agency in the matter is already lost

I find myself gravitating towards former, forbidden—formerly forbidden—thoughts

To perform excellently, consistently, is—is not—the goal

What matters—does it?—is feeling whole